Flirting with Disaster
by ILoveLacey
Summary: Feeling slighted by a certain comment, Lacey challenges Karen to a flirting contest, but they both get more than they bargained for. Lacey/Karen pairing, some suggestive situations. This follows the Season 2 episode "Doc Small".


Flirting with Disaster

There was one thing Lacey was sure of: she wasn't flimsy or flaky. She was flirty, or at least she tried to be. Brent's words had hurt a little, and Karen's insinuation that Lacey was not a good flirt burned her up inside. Still reeling from the train wreck that was introducing Dr. Garner to Dog River, Lacey felt like she had something to prove. She was determined to face Karen down and make her eat crow. But how?

Lacey looked up from the Ruby counter and saw Brent entering through the connecting door from Corner Gas. He started a friendly greeting until she shot him a death glare that forced him to jump back.

"Whoa!" Brent called out, startled. "You know, I imagine you'd do better business if you didn't scare your customers before they even sat down."

"And I imagine you'd get a nicer restaurant experience if you didn't call your server flimsy and flaky," Lacey shot back.

"Geez Lacey, that was like last week. You gotta let it go," came Brent's response.

"It was three _days_ ago, Brent, and you really hurt my feelings. You never even apologized."

"Yeah, well what does it matter? Dr. Garner ended up being a woman, anyway. Did you really want to be flirty with another woman?"

Lacey hesitated on that thought for just a moment, then straightened up and delivered her rebuttal.

"That's not the point!" she argued. "I happen to be very sensitive about my looks, okay? Can you at least give me the courtesy of an apology? And _you!_ " Those last two words were directed at Karen, who happened to be waltzing through the front door with Davis at just that moment. She was taken aback by Lacey's accusatory tone.

"What'd _I_ do?" Karen asked. "I just got here."

"You don't remember?" Lacey countered. "You thought I couldn't flirt without being slutty."

"What do you mean? I agreed with you."

"Yeah, but your tone of voice suggested the opposite. I'm not naïve. I can understand subtext."

"I still don't understand the problem with being a little slutty," Davis chimed in.

"Pipe down. We're not talking to you," Lacey growled. Davis cowered into a booth and pretended to study the menu.

"Look, I know flirting," Karen bragged, "and what you do, that _ain't_ it. It's more like awkward stammering."

"Maybe we can settle this somehow," Brent added. For some reason, Lacey couldn't control herself from saying the first thing that came to her mind.

"How-How about a flirting contest?" she blurted out. Her eyes went wide even as she spoke it. Lacey's mind wondered if this was a proverbial "mouth writing checks her butt can't cash" moment. It was too late, though. She'd already made the suggestion.

"So, a challenge, huh?" Karen returned. "All right, you're _on!_ " Her words may have been moving faster than her common sense, too.

"Well, you two need to pick a target," Brent suggested. "How about Hank?"

"Oh God no!" Karen and Lacey shouted in unison. Brent could only muster a weak "okay" and slouched in his stool.

"It has to be someone we barely know," Karen asserted. "Someone who won't expect it."

"How about Fitzy?" Davis croaked from behind his menu, hoping a coffee carafe wouldn't come hurtling in his direction.

"Yeah, he'll do fine," Lacey presumed.

"So it's settled then," Karen agreed.

"I guess so. May the best flirter win," Lacey chirped through gritted teeth. The two began a stare-down, each one daring the other to budge. They leant in closer to each other with fury in their eyes, so close they could almost taste each other's breath. Brent finally intervened and slid Lacey back.

"Shouldn't you start taking some orders, maybe?" Brent hinted.

"Okay, fine," Lacey deferred. "Karen, would you like anything? Perhaps some humble pie?"

"Just some coffee to go," Karen requested smugly. "I've got a flirting contest to get a head start on." Lacey's eyes narrowed as she reached for a travel mug.

Lacey knew she had to put her best foot forward if she wanted to win the contest, so immediately after work she donned her new flirty top again. She figured it would be her secret weapon and Fitzy wouldn't know what hit him. Applying her shiniest lipstick, Lacey climbed in her car and drove off to the mayor's office. She had just stepped onto the sidewalk when Fitzy came out the door, catching her slightly less than prepared. Lacey always needed to run her best lines through her head, after all. _No matter,_ she thought, _I can still pull this off_. She flipped her hair and flashed a wide smile.

"Hey there, Mr., um, uh, Mayor Fi-, I mean, uh, hi Fitzy!" Lacey fumbled.

"Hi, Lacey" was Fitzy's curt response. Lacey struggled to maintain an even posture and didn't really know what to do with her hands. She finally settled on a one-hand-on-the-hip stance, all the while maintaining her grin. After a few seconds, Lacey realized Fitzy was just staring, waiting for her response.

"Well, did you… need something?" Fitzy finally inquired. Lacey dropped her hand from her hip and gaped. She eventually resigned to her fate.

"Just, uh, um, have a nice day!" she popped out as she ducked her eyes and went scurrying down the sidewalk. Fitzy was left standing confused on the concrete. Waiting until she was sure she was out of sight, Lacey smacked her palm against her forehead. Attempt number one was a failure, but she wasn't beat yet. She just needed to regroup.

That evening, Lacey agreed to meet Brent at the bar to unwind from the day. She immediately received an update on the contest, as Brent had apparently decided on himself as judge.

"Let's see," Brent began, "you just informed me of your utter humiliation-"… Lacey furiously interrupted him.

"First try jitters," she corrected.

"Fine, your 'first try jitters'," Brent continued, "and Karen told me when she approached Fitzy he just assumed she wanted a raise in the police budget. So there's no winner as yet. Although you might get your second chance sooner rather than later." Brent nodded his head in the direction of the door as Fitzy was entering. Lacey was again unprepared, but she was determined. Depositing her wine glass on the table, Lacey stood and straightened her blouse.

"Oh Fitzy, it's so good to see you," she greeted. It was a little too forced, as she realized, but she pressed on. "Why don't you join us for a drink?"

"Yeah, that's good," Fitzy returned. "It's important that we talk."

"Really?" Lacey squealed. She felt like this was her "in". She had him on the ropes now… or so she thought. Fitzy pushed past her and sat across from Brent.

"Look Brent," Fitzy started, "I've gotten some reports from the townspeople, blah, blah, blah…"

Lacey zoned out of the conversation. She had lost his attention already. She decided to try and cut back in.

"You want me to order you something, Fitzy? Maybe a mudslide? I hear Paul makes a mean mai tai!" Lacey giggled and flitted her eyelashes in a desperate attempt to regain Fitzy's awareness.

"Uh, sure, mud tie, sounds good," he spit out, barely even nodding. Lacey could not get him to budge. She ordered both drinks for herself and moved to the bar, accepting another defeat.

Lacey was feeling downtrodden the next day while working at the Ruby. She was 0-for-2 with Fitzy and it was only a matter of time before Karen would take another crack at him. Apparently that matter of time was sooner than she thought, as Karen came into the diner looking distraught as well. Lacey couldn't help but smirk as she saw her opponent's disappointment.

"What's the matter, Karen? Did you strike out with Fitzy again?" Lacey smugly hissed.

"He just sees me as a cop. It's not fair!" Karen yelped, before suddenly adding a smirk of her own. "And how have _you_ been doing on the flirting front?"

"It's a, um, a work in progress," Lacey admitted. "But no matter, I'm still gonna win. I have a few tricks up my sleeve. What's your strategy?" Karen's face sunk a little.

"I- I don't know," was Karen's sullen reply. She plunked herself on a stool and sighed. In that moment, Lacey felt a bit sorry for Karen, but she tried not to let it show.

"So you think you might have bitten off a little more than you could chew?" Lacey asked. "I could give you some pointers. I am a great flirter, after all."

"Hey, I don't need any help from you," Karen shot back. "But speaking of chewing, I could use some lunch. What do you recommend?" Lacey went from competitive to cheerful in no time flat.

"Oh! Our soup of the day is really something special! It's a lobster bisque!" Karen found Lacey's joy almost infectious, and in spite of their current rivalry, she couldn't help but give the soup a try. Lacey passed the order to Josh and it came back quicker than expected. As she went to hand the bowl over, Karen suddenly got a sinister idea.

"Wait, actually I wanted this to go. I think I'll give it to Fitzy as a gift." She cracked a sneer that infuriated Lacey.

"Hold on!" Lacey shouted. "You said this was for you! I'm not giving you this amazing soup so you can win Fitzy over!"

"I ordered it. You have to give it to me. I'm the customer!" Karen insisted.

"Yeah, but I won't prepare it to go!" Lacey countered. She left the bowl on the counter.

"Oh yeah? I'll just go grab my own to-go cup from behind the counter then!" Karen challenged. She stood up and reached for the soup. Lacey instinctively grabbed the other edge of the bowl.

"Oh no you don't!" Lacey insisted. The two began a tug-of-war, with bisque sloshing over either side. Their faces intensified as they fought back and forth. Then, in a sudden last-ditch effort from both women, the bowl went slipping out of their hands and up into the air. By the time the porcelain shattered on the checker floor, the two combatants had a matching set of lobster-stained clothes.

"Ugh! Look what you did to my pants!" Lacey shrieked, staring down at her splattered jeans.

"Look what _you_ did to my top!" Karen bellowed, stretching out her ruined blouse.

"I'll deal with you later!" Lacey shouted. "I can't serve my customers like this!" She scurried to the back and told Josh to go clean up the mess in the diner. She tried to clean her jeans using wash cloths, but with unsatisfactory results. In a panic, Lacey made a split-second decision to slip out of her jeans and soak them in club soda. However, this still didn't do the trick. She needed better cleaning supplies, which were in the closet at the gas station.

Lacey popped her head over the pony wall separating the kitchen from the diner. She noticed Karen was already gone, and Josh was the only one there. She ordered him to go sweep the deck and he obliged. Being careful to take one more look, Lacey quickly tiptoed across the café, pants-less and with soaked jeans in hand. She peeked her head through the adjoining entrance to Corner Gas. What luck! There were no customers and both Brent and Wanda were out at the pumps. Lacey made it to the storage closet as fast as her bare legs could carry her, where she snuck inside and shut the door tight. She reached for the light switch and flicked, but got nothing but darkness. _Of course the light bulb's dead and they haven't changed it_ , Lacey thought. This was not her day.

Lacey began searching through the supplies with the sliver of light provided by the gap under the door. She frantically searched until she heard a sudden turn of the door knob. Lacey nearly jumped out of her skin. She most certainly did not want to be caught in her current state of undress. She hurried to the back of the closet and crouched in the corner, hoping it, along with the lack of lighting, would provide her adequate cover. She ducked as the door opened to reveal Karen with a determined look. Not noticing Lacey, Karen backed into the closet and shut the door.

"Gotta find a way to clean this top," Lacey heard Karen whisper. It seemed like they both had the exact same idea. It became clear to Lacey that she had still escaped Karen's notice, as Karen began unbuttoning her blouse. It also became apparent to Lacey that she was intrigued. She suddenly couldn't bring herself to look away as Karen slipped the outer garment off her shoulders. Watching Karen's mostly-bare back made Lacey less aware of her own indecency. Lacey slowly stood up and took in the sight in front of her. A momentary lapse in judgment caused her to release an audible sigh. Karen quickly spun around and Lacey gulped.

"What are you doing in here?" Karen demanded, "and why aren't you wearing pants?"

"You're one to talk!" Lacey countered. "You just came barging in here and started stripping down without bothering to see if it was occupied!"

"Well I didn't think I needed to knock and announce myself at a storage closet!" Karen returned.

"Fair enough," Lacey conceded, "but you'll have to find your own closet. This one is mine."

"There are no other closets!" Karen fired back. "So you can just… wait. Quiet, I think I hear someone coming." Sure enough, voices started to fill the gas station. Lacey stepped toward the door to see if she could make out who was there. To her horror, she was able to pick out several people talking. She slowly backed away from the door until she bumped into Karen. The jolt caused Lacey to spin around and face her.

"Watch where you're going!" Karen whispered.

"Shhh!" was all Lacey uttered, but she instinctively brought her index finger up to Karen's lips. Karen, unsure of exactly how to respond, reached up and grasped Lacey's hand with her own, bringing it back down to a normal level. At that exact moment, Karen stared down at Lacey's frilly underwear and began to breathe heavily. Simultaneously, Lacey was focused on Karen's black bra and she, too exhaled. The two ladies' eyes met and in an instant, Karen had Lacey pinned up against the closet door. They locked lips intensely, neither one hesitating and each enjoying the other. Once the kiss was over, they stared at each other for ages, Karen still leaning Lacey on the door. However, their ecstasy was interrupted by a sudden loud creak. The light bulb wasn't the only thing that had been neglected. The door hinges were badly crumbled, and they picked that specific second to completely give way. The closet door came crashing down, bringing with it two women in a very compromising position. Lacey lay on her back, Karen on top of her, both still less than fully dressed and both now out in the open. Lacey tilted her head toward the floor and caught a glimpse of Brent, Wanda, Hank, Oscar, Emma, Davis, and Fitzy. Karen also looked up and watched all of their jaws drop as quickly as the door had. Neither Karen nor Lacey knew what to do, so they froze in place. Several seconds passed before Brent finally piped up.

"So…. Contest over?" was all he could muster.

"I feel like I've been getting mixed signals," Fitzy added. In a twist of fate, Dr. Garner suddenly walked into Corner Gas.

"I spoke with my psychiatrist," she began, "and he convinced me to give this town a second chance, so I came back to-" she paused as she finally caught notice of the two half-naked ladies laying on top of each other. "Okay, my shrink doesn't know what he's talking about!" Dr. Garner screamed as she bolted out the door. Finally having the ability to move, Lacey and Karen scurried to their feet.

"What's everyone looking at?" Lacey yelped. "We can explain this, you know." Before she could have the chance, Karen grabbed her by the arm and dragged her back to the Ruby.

"What was that for?" Lacey questioned.

"Sometimes the best thing to do for something like that is to just get away," Karen explained. Then she smirked. "I gotta hand it to you. You might not be so bad a flirter after all."

"I think we can consider this contest a tie," Lacey decided. "Fitzy was a bad choice, anyway."

"Yeah, I think I found someone much better to spend my energy on," Karen agreed. "Let's go home. We can't stay around here like this."

"Your home or my home?" Lacey pondered.

"Pick one," Karen purred.


End file.
